Unsettled Night

Has been a very very long time since I have butterflies in my stomach this badly and prolonged. When I married that day, I wasn't even so nervous. Nervous, jittery, anxious, unsettled, nerve-wrecking, ... Suddenly wish that my sympathetic pathway isn't working this well.

I had been feeling these palpitations and sweaty palms everytime I thought of tomorrow's APN interview. And suddenly Tomorrow is just a sleep away. Why am I so nervous?
Maybe this time is not like any other interviews, auditions or exams. It's not like those previous times when I stand on the stage is for myself. When I take the exams is for myself. When I took those challenges, they were for myself. If I ever had to let down, that will be only myself. This time... it does not seem that way.

Disappointment to others is a burden too much for my face-saving delicate soul.
Advanced Practice Nurse... what does it take to be one in Singapore? What's my role? Lord, what's the big plan? Uncertainties... fear of unknown, fear of failure, and I must say I don't like it very much at all. Yet.. it seemed I'm still called to do this.. well at least until this very moment.

Father, the last time when my heart palpitated vigorously, was that time when you rose me to the skies. Your skies. Father. I pray for faith. Faith.. that this time, in Your Name, once I again I will be safe. Safe and at peace. Safe in Your arms in this journey of uncertainties.

"I try to smile my tears away. I try to keep my cool...

... my heart wants to bleed and stop believing in me.

Nothing is for certain.

And that nothing comes for free...

You cradle me.

You keep me Flying. You keep me Smiling.

You keep me Safe in a crazy world.

You understand me. Embrace my Fragility.

You keep me safe in the crazy world.

And in Your arms, I find the strength to

believe in me again..."

(Corrinne May, "Safe in the Crazy World" lyrics.)