Insomnia Ramblings

Having a very bad insomnia, guess the quietness of the night and mind is the best combination to write a blog entry.

Yep in my mid-life transition and supposed to go through the 5 phases:

a) Accommodation

b) Separation

c) Liminality

d) Reintegration

e) Individuation

The stagnant water and shit-hole phase in my life is going through the phase of Liminality. That is when it strikes me to re-examine, re-evaluate my life.

My life is actually quite simple, looks like there is only Nursing and my family.

Marriage is a very important choice in a person's life. During this period of time, I often asked myself "Do you regret being married?". Sad to say, it's not a spontaneous or straight-forward "No regrets". Sad to say, I'm ambivalent. Everything boils down to choices, and living with the consequences of that choice you make. Which by God's Grace, whom supposedly had intervened, things will be fine at the end of the day. Divorce has never been an option for me or rather, at least not from my initiation.

I guess the day I got married, I said goodbye to my single adulthood and the child in me. And I hadn't say a proper goodbye to both of them. In fact I miss them at some point of my life. This new role of being somebody's wife requires me to compromise some of the "dreams" which the single adulthood elizabeth would want or set out to achieve.

Still, miraculously we had been married for 5 years, with quarrels and big small bumps. Gosh for friends who know both of us, will know once we turn nasty, the 2 of us, Ken and me are totally out of control. Emotions run high. Communication to the details. Refusal to relent. Sometimes, we do laugh over the fact that if we had a kid. That child of ours will be a very very skilled negotiator and if with bad influence, properly he will be a little Satan.

Certain values in Ken, I've appreciated greatly. The fact that he drives me to think of possible other perspectives to a given situation. The logic of processing thoughts. In short, a man who can communicate and challenge me. I've never knew I've outgrown so much till I've met up with DW and Jay. I really had outgrown, and the girl in early 20s who was so smitten by these 2 guys also seemed to be diminishing. Thus now, trying to stay at peace with her and let her go.

The next step is to TRUST God and submit to Ken. Submission, another word that is easier said than done. For this next step, it only leaves prayers and time with plenty of God's grace.