18 March 08 (Bedtime)

Found this video in Youtube. And I desperately want to share this.
Especially at this very day, like a roller coaster ride, my nursing senior has carcinoma of the breast with mestatasis to her spine.

This is really crazy ... Father. Just last year, it's my preceptor and this year my nursing senior ... crazy enough.. that at the end of the day, it's only to You when I turn to, things make some sense.

And I seem to miss Brenda pretty much today...

Safe in A Crazy World

The music for today.

Prayer Answered

My prayer is answered. Amen. Thank You Father. Well the APN interview wasn't that bad. I did not feel threatened.. so was pretty safe. It's not that I know the result or outcome of the interview. But I do need to say that the questions they asked were not difficult and very applicable to my clinical practice. Although I would have kicked myself in the butt for not tackling some of the questions too well.

Better list down these questions for future reference.

1. What are the issues you will think about in general for an elderly with diabetes?

2. Why is blood pressure control important in a diabetes patient?

3. What are the signs you will look for in DKA or HHNK?

4. How do you explain to the patient about HbA1C%?

5. Who else can you enlist help if a patient does not seem insightful about his or her clinical condition?

6. What are the chances of having TB in diabetes patients?

7. In what situations will a diabetes patient have hyperglycemia?

Comments on my case studies

1. Both diabetes case stduies why?

2. Did not mention about the complications of DM -- IHD, retinopathy, foot problems

3. Chest x-ray issue: whether it is appropriate to repeat another chest x-ray for Chronic Cough case study.

Funny... but all the palpitations has stopped. And I'm not worried about the outcome. I've tried my best. I guess if this still fails .... there is a Good Reason for that. Amen.

Unsettled Night

Has been a very very long time since I have butterflies in my stomach this badly and prolonged. When I married that day, I wasn't even so nervous. Nervous, jittery, anxious, unsettled, nerve-wrecking, ... Suddenly wish that my sympathetic pathway isn't working this well.

I had been feeling these palpitations and sweaty palms everytime I thought of tomorrow's APN interview. And suddenly Tomorrow is just a sleep away. Why am I so nervous?
Maybe this time is not like any other interviews, auditions or exams. It's not like those previous times when I stand on the stage is for myself. When I take the exams is for myself. When I took those challenges, they were for myself. If I ever had to let down, that will be only myself. This time... it does not seem that way.

Disappointment to others is a burden too much for my face-saving delicate soul.
Advanced Practice Nurse... what does it take to be one in Singapore? What's my role? Lord, what's the big plan? Uncertainties... fear of unknown, fear of failure, and I must say I don't like it very much at all. Yet.. it seemed I'm still called to do this.. well at least until this very moment.

Father, the last time when my heart palpitated vigorously, was that time when you rose me to the skies. Your skies. Father. I pray for faith. Faith.. that this time, in Your Name, once I again I will be safe. Safe and at peace. Safe in Your arms in this journey of uncertainties.

"I try to smile my tears away. I try to keep my cool...

... my heart wants to bleed and stop believing in me.

Nothing is for certain.

And that nothing comes for free...

You cradle me.

You keep me Flying. You keep me Smiling.

You keep me Safe in a crazy world.

You understand me. Embrace my Fragility.

You keep me safe in the crazy world.

And in Your arms, I find the strength to

believe in me again..."

(Corrinne May, "Safe in the Crazy World" lyrics.)

Loyang Avenue Accident 11 March

I knew it yesterday that the accident was bad... real bad cos mother said the whole Loyang Avenue is jammed. Today when fluffy told me that 1 had died and it's instant death .. I really hope so after seeing the photo.

5 vehicles, a raining downpour.
The Straits Times Jouralist said it's "Spectacular".
I CANNOT believe she used that word "spectacular" and I CANNOT believe the editor approved it. "Spectacular" ....

A lorry on top of another car. More than 1 and 1/2 hours to get him out.
A chinese man in his 50s, is he going home?
Did he call his wife or his family to say he's going home soon?
Was his family waiting for his return?
Maybe they had a little chat about what to get for dinner .. maybe
How was his day? Bad... good?
He had been the responsible driver. He was at the right place.

Sudden. Sad. Soul-shakened. Stricken with grief.
He didn't see that coming, did he?
I bet he would had done many things if he knew today is going to be IT.
I bet he would ....
I bet his family members, friends and people who knew him or work him would had done many things if they knew today is going to be IT.
I bet they would ...

God works in mysterious ways to knock some wisdom into us ..
and I don't like it very much when it had to be this way....
but I get the message ... no regrets everyday... everyday.