Puzzled ... really really puzzled... thought I've tidied up my emotions and attitude about work. Thought I had reached an understanding within myself to how much I should give in work versus other things in my life... why then is there this turbulence of emotions... gosh...
Endocrine department, amazingly Father, how you brought me back? Started staright after graduation from NYP in Endocrinology and Gastroenterology ward nurse. That's where I met wonderful people. That's where I met Brenda... Well, at least I'm thankful I'm not back to SGH I guess. At least I'm thankful, it's not decided whether I should specialise in diabetes or in other endocrine problems... At least I'm thankful, this time round, Fluffy is with me...
Was madly tidying the cupboards filled with alot of papers. I had read so many ... so many articles about behavior change, about chronic diseases self management, about coping with chronic diseases. And 3/4 are on people with dabetes. I was confused if I'm doing because I like it... or because of regret?
Type the following out a particular day... thought I lost it... better store it in blog for now.
People who haven't really grieved for a loved one before might no really feel the complexity.
It's common that a friend will tell you to be stronger. Your loved one is in heaven.
Well it is also because they really do not know what else to say.
There will be a time, you will ask yourself if you had spent more meaningful time with your loved one during her last moment, will these memories make a difference? Make a difference to her? Or make a difference to you?
There will be a time; when you feel that you haven't given her enough. Not enough "thank-you"s. Not enough hugs. Not enough "I love you"s. Yet you have to believe she knows. Because every tear your cried and every time you miss her now, most probably she hears you loud and clear of these things you want to tell her.
There will be a time, you try to reach her. You try to send balloons to Heaven, you ask God to send her your prayers, you write, you compose.
There will be a time, you tears will roll when you hear a particular song, eat a particular dish, watch a particular movie or even being present at a particular place.
There will be a time, you hold your breath deeply inside you when the wind blows against your face or when you gaze at the stars right in the sky because you feel her right deep inside your heart.
There will be a time, you sing a song, you sing it with more gusto, you smile with a brighter smile because you are singing and smiling her share.
There will be a time, you know she's happy in heaven, and you know by God's faith that you two will meet again someday. Yet, you miss her. Missing her badly is part of a new you. Missing her badly is going to be your new self. You need to miss her. Nobody can tell you not to.
There will be a time, you will want to miss her very very badly. Because you are afraid that down the road, you will forget how she sounds like, how her laughter is like, how her tenderness feels. Missing badly is part of you still having her inside you.
Missing is a complex emotion. It's like a part of your heart is gone. And nothing seems to be able to fill that up. Except, God's love. Except God's understanding of our vulnerability and fragility. Except, God's grace, when amazingly, strength seems to appear when you thought you had none left.
One day, you will find yourself suddenly thought of her. And you had seemed not to think of her for some time. You might cried a little, but in the end you smile. You smile with a peace you've never experienced. Maybe that's the time, you have gotten used to the new you.
Take you time.
I'm very sure, tomorrow is a start of another part in my life journey. Father, this time I will stay close...
