Getting Past Stagnant Waters

Going back to routine in Wednesday.

Today morning and afternoon seem beautiful.

Really for a long time, I see white clouds, blue sky and very very baby green leaves.

Corners of my mouth can't help but curl into a smile.

A deep breath out, like a sigh, and my shoulders seem lighter.

The thought of going back to work is not tempting.

I don't really feel excited about going back to work.

In fact, I hope that when I go back to work this time, my emotions are less invested.

Yes, I have separated it. It is work. Nursing is part of the work.

I still love nursing, don't get me wrong.

I just don't want to feel too much with the people I'm working with.

I will leave all these emotions to nursing my patients instead, if I can help it.

Stagnancy will return. Most probably it will be staying for a long time in my life.

Getting use to stagnancy, that's what I'm trying to cope.

Not every part of my life, will have mountain peaks to climb, rainbows to chase. goals to aim.

A large part of my life, will most probably only have small hills with stairs built-in, non-adventurous garden walks.

Common people living common life.

Maybe that is it, been heavily influenced by Waltz Disney and Hollywood, that everybody is unique, everybody has this unique rainbow to chase, I yearn for it.

The notion that a common person can have an extraordinary life, awesome ambitions and exciting dreams to chase.

Ya... and they left out on the possibility of that. One in a million.

For common people to become extraordinary folk to have an exciting, awesome and legendary life is rare.

Bill Gates is rare. Mother Theresa is rare. Florence Nightingale is rare.

Not forgetting, living happily forever is a "mark" of stagnancy too, no more awesomeness and excitement, just plain routine "happy".

What should I do when my life is stagnant?

What should I do when I'm in the stagnant waters again?

Next time, I must remember not to curl up in the water and sink.

Next time, I must remember not to get too comfortable in the stagnant waters.

Next time, I must remember to swim on shore and take a walk.

Or even try different pools of stagnant water.

Or maybe invent a stagnant water game that I can play with myself?

I've sensed the child in me, when I see the white clouds, blue sky and baby green leaves.

Awhile but no doubt, that's her.

And like what Ken says I just need to get over this hump, get pass this stagnancy stage and I will be fine.

Insomnia Ramblings

Having a very bad insomnia, guess the quietness of the night and mind is the best combination to write a blog entry.

Yep in my mid-life transition and supposed to go through the 5 phases:

a) Accommodation

b) Separation

c) Liminality

d) Reintegration

e) Individuation

The stagnant water and shit-hole phase in my life is going through the phase of Liminality. That is when it strikes me to re-examine, re-evaluate my life.

My life is actually quite simple, looks like there is only Nursing and my family.

Marriage is a very important choice in a person's life. During this period of time, I often asked myself "Do you regret being married?". Sad to say, it's not a spontaneous or straight-forward "No regrets". Sad to say, I'm ambivalent. Everything boils down to choices, and living with the consequences of that choice you make. Which by God's Grace, whom supposedly had intervened, things will be fine at the end of the day. Divorce has never been an option for me or rather, at least not from my initiation.

I guess the day I got married, I said goodbye to my single adulthood and the child in me. And I hadn't say a proper goodbye to both of them. In fact I miss them at some point of my life. This new role of being somebody's wife requires me to compromise some of the "dreams" which the single adulthood elizabeth would want or set out to achieve.

Still, miraculously we had been married for 5 years, with quarrels and big small bumps. Gosh for friends who know both of us, will know once we turn nasty, the 2 of us, Ken and me are totally out of control. Emotions run high. Communication to the details. Refusal to relent. Sometimes, we do laugh over the fact that if we had a kid. That child of ours will be a very very skilled negotiator and if with bad influence, properly he will be a little Satan.

Certain values in Ken, I've appreciated greatly. The fact that he drives me to think of possible other perspectives to a given situation. The logic of processing thoughts. In short, a man who can communicate and challenge me. I've never knew I've outgrown so much till I've met up with DW and Jay. I really had outgrown, and the girl in early 20s who was so smitten by these 2 guys also seemed to be diminishing. Thus now, trying to stay at peace with her and let her go.

The next step is to TRUST God and submit to Ken. Submission, another word that is easier said than done. For this next step, it only leaves prayers and time with plenty of God's grace.

Disturbing Downtown East Murder

Disturbing. A 19 year old boy could be slashed at Downtown East in a Saturday afternoon.

Distressing. Now another 4 will be charged for manslaughter.

1 young fella died, 4 to accompany.

Depressing. What is happening to our society?

If this was in the 60s, understandable. That period of era, had these huge influence of secret societies. If this happens in Malaysia, understandable too.

Maybe should put it this way, can a secret society survive in Singapore? To be able to function, you require rank, power and financial means. Usually the financial means requires a certain monopoly of trades. In Singapore, secret society should find it very very difficult to survive.

If that's the case, what's happening to our youth?

Identity. Friendship. Family.

Sadly, these 3 things also seem to be the core variables for a patient who is depressed.

For a patient who refuses treatment.

For a patient who wants to commit suicide.

For people who are really really unhappy.

So.. do you know who are you?

Do you have close friends? Are they supporting and nurturing?

Most importantly... when is the last time you closely talk happily to your parents or siblings? Not argue.