Today we are shifting clinic back to where it should be.... the "new" building. Next week, is the end of 2008 and also the start of 2009. These 12 weeks with unusual small patient crowds because we are in a temporary site, allows me time to breath and reflect. Certain incidents that happen here only reaffirms my beliefs are not prejudiced. Next year at age 31, I'm going to have a new phase of life.
Well 2008 isn't that bad too by the things I've been doing:
-- Ballet performance (learnt for 4 months)
-- Tried Belly dancing
-- Started Dog Training, even went for 1st Obedience Trial
-- Won Free Ticket to Bali and spent 4 very memorable days in Aston Bali
-- Fluffy's treat to Banyan Tree Bintan
Will definitely update this again later in the year :)
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Saturday, 6 December 2008
PianoPrints 2008: Spring Waltz -- Clementine
One of the piano pieces which year 2008 plays the most often. This piece is one of the main soundtrack from Korean Drama Spring Waltz.Not sure why, but it definitely leave a tinge of regret after I play this song.
Score from http://thelinkinghearts.blogspot.com/2008/01/clementine-spring-waltz-ost.html
Saturday, 18 October 2008
Cookie and Sunflower
Cookie 1st public obedience trial will be on 2 Nov. We've entered him into pre-novice category. Haha. . . We had never thought he'll come tis far. Cookie boy. . My baby Gambatte
Monday, 29 September 2008
Reminiscence
Tomorrow, on my birthday, Hougang Polyclinic will officially closed down for renovation. Next year, this building will take on a different phase. Walking down the corridors, looking at each room where I had spent my time in and the interactions with the people within those walls. The thoughts, inspirations and dreams conjured within those walls. I couldn't help but feel a bit sad. Yet, it is a closure to something old, and hope for something better in the future.
2008 has been a year with more closures than previous years. Closure on APN-internship. Closure to wild goose chase of coporate ladder climbing. Closure with someone that I like "quite a bit". Closure to rely on colleagues, supervisors or working conditions to feel satisfied at work. Closure to being a 20s, as I will be 30 tomorrow.
These closures, have made me seen once again the limitations of my own self and the blessings that God has given. But it definitely has opened the possibilities of adopting a different attitude towards some things which I consider "very important". And question the importance to affect my balance in a whole as an individual.
2008 has been a year with more closures than previous years. Closure on APN-internship. Closure to wild goose chase of coporate ladder climbing. Closure with someone that I like "quite a bit". Closure to rely on colleagues, supervisors or working conditions to feel satisfied at work. Closure to being a 20s, as I will be 30 tomorrow.
These closures, have made me seen once again the limitations of my own self and the blessings that God has given. But it definitely has opened the possibilities of adopting a different attitude towards some things which I consider "very important". And question the importance to affect my balance in a whole as an individual.
Monday, 22 September 2008
Room 38, Second Cubicle
Room 38, second cubicle. L-Shaped table, computer, PC and Printer.
Jun 2006 to September 2008, 2 years and 3 months. Not alot, but quite a bit.
"Quite"
Finish my 12 case studies, my research, my quality project, growing as an APN, within these walls of Room 38. Within these walls, by this table, my thoughts had flown, some good, some bad....
Remember the last day before I return to Singapore from Perth. The same feeling, looking at the music room I had always gone to, the library spot I had always hang out and my hostel room which I lived.
Room 38, second cubicle, where I've grown as an APN, a place where it has provided me refuge, who witnessed my furstrtaion, impatience, tears and joy. The place where God spoke to me many times. Where he came once to see me. Next time when I return to this place, things will be different... couldn't help but miss this place quite a bit.
Thank you for being my place.
Jun 2006 to September 2008, 2 years and 3 months. Not alot, but quite a bit.
"Quite"
Finish my 12 case studies, my research, my quality project, growing as an APN, within these walls of Room 38. Within these walls, by this table, my thoughts had flown, some good, some bad....
Remember the last day before I return to Singapore from Perth. The same feeling, looking at the music room I had always gone to, the library spot I had always hang out and my hostel room which I lived.
Room 38, second cubicle, where I've grown as an APN, a place where it has provided me refuge, who witnessed my furstrtaion, impatience, tears and joy. The place where God spoke to me many times. Where he came once to see me. Next time when I return to this place, things will be different... couldn't help but miss this place quite a bit.
Thank you for being my place.
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Loneliness
(Delayed Post 16 August 2008)
I saw him today.
He was very cheerful, wore a smile on his face, no signs.
His diabetes control was still way off the acceptable range.
6 years, with diabetes.
10 years, of loneliness.
Which has more impact?
His importance in his life now is to have a companion, someone who will walk with him till he died.
Now he has found her, she said she will be him for this lifetime.
Loneliness, not a disease. Yet a state which most people would not want to be in. A state that if you can compromise anything, even health, you will compromise. He wanted to enjoy companionship and eat what she loves to it. Is that wrong? Should I throw in a wet blanket and a "few cents of advice or warning" when I know she is 15 years younger, not Singaporean?
That afternoon, we talked about maintaining this companionship as long as it can last more than what he should eat or control.
Loneliness, a state which I also do not wish to be in either.
I saw him today.
He was very cheerful, wore a smile on his face, no signs.
His diabetes control was still way off the acceptable range.
6 years, with diabetes.
10 years, of loneliness.
Which has more impact?
His importance in his life now is to have a companion, someone who will walk with him till he died.
Now he has found her, she said she will be him for this lifetime.
Loneliness, not a disease. Yet a state which most people would not want to be in. A state that if you can compromise anything, even health, you will compromise. He wanted to enjoy companionship and eat what she loves to it. Is that wrong? Should I throw in a wet blanket and a "few cents of advice or warning" when I know she is 15 years younger, not Singaporean?
That afternoon, we talked about maintaining this companionship as long as it can last more than what he should eat or control.
Loneliness, a state which I also do not wish to be in either.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
From June till Now
My last entry was in June 9. From June to near end July, so much has happened.
Thank God, for being great as usual.
Even giving me a surprise for a lucky Bali trip from poetry competition soon to come.
Cookie finally started his training lessons.
I'm beginning to enjoy my time with him during training.
Takes pride in him and want to love him more.
Fluffy has resigned from education again to concentrate on photography full time.
Revamped his website finally. And put in more efforts ever before.
My dear friend, waikeat, going through which I believe is the toughest time in his life. A time which he needs to re-seek direction, re-examine his life priorities, his life goals and questioning his existance. A dear friend to our family that knowing the bumpy, hard road he will be traveling through, which he has to travel alone. Just like fantansy story, the hero needs to undergo a difficult quest. I cannot help but feel a mixture of worried and sadness for him.
Life at work hasn't been smooth either. Ever since I decided to leave the organisation after my bond expires, I'm in a confusing state of emotions. Totally unbalanced and definitely not happy.
Still, thank you God for the beautiful angels you have sent to me. They really come in different forms, my patient, my colleagues, my family and of course my husband.
Gambatte everybody!!!
Thank God, for being great as usual.
Even giving me a surprise for a lucky Bali trip from poetry competition soon to come.
Cookie finally started his training lessons.
I'm beginning to enjoy my time with him during training.
Takes pride in him and want to love him more.
Fluffy has resigned from education again to concentrate on photography full time.
Revamped his website finally. And put in more efforts ever before.
My dear friend, waikeat, going through which I believe is the toughest time in his life. A time which he needs to re-seek direction, re-examine his life priorities, his life goals and questioning his existance. A dear friend to our family that knowing the bumpy, hard road he will be traveling through, which he has to travel alone. Just like fantansy story, the hero needs to undergo a difficult quest. I cannot help but feel a mixture of worried and sadness for him.
Life at work hasn't been smooth either. Ever since I decided to leave the organisation after my bond expires, I'm in a confusing state of emotions. Totally unbalanced and definitely not happy.
Still, thank you God for the beautiful angels you have sent to me. They really come in different forms, my patient, my colleagues, my family and of course my husband.
Gambatte everybody!!!
Monday, 9 June 2008
Lost..... Found
These months, tumbling of emotions since becoming a full-fledged APN. Emotions high on certain days because of the tempation of power, recognition and control. When power is present and within your reach, people can change. I was changing without knowing it and that is dangerous. Not knowing what you don't know the forces at work.
Father, Thank you. Thank you for knocking me hard in my face. To stop... slow down and re-examine my priorities.
http://jeshderoxweddings.blogspot.com/
This web site is one of the Top Photographers' blog in the world. I'm not really into photography. But his post on "Practice... (Life)" fully depicts my next diretion for this year 2008 and 2009.
Practice makes Perfect.
But what am I practicing?
Practice believing what you know in your heart is true....
I have come a long way to stay in Nursing. Different from others, I don't have a calling.
I know nursing doesn't pay well, I also know that nursing is not well recognised as a profession in my country.
Why then am I still pursuing Nursing?
Cos it is the only profession that brings me to the realities of life.
The only profession that not let my head fly too high in the sky.
The profession when people are in pain, you do not need to pretend, you can be you just to help.
Nursing is a profession which had taught me many life lessons through caring.
I want to learn more and be a much more beautiful person through nursing practice.
So from today, I will commit the next part of year 2008 and the whole of 2009 to practice LIFE.
Father, Thank you. Thank you for knocking me hard in my face. To stop... slow down and re-examine my priorities.
http://jeshderoxweddings.blogspot.com/
This web site is one of the Top Photographers' blog in the world. I'm not really into photography. But his post on "Practice... (Life)" fully depicts my next diretion for this year 2008 and 2009.
Practice makes Perfect.
But what am I practicing?
Practice believing what you know in your heart is true....
I have come a long way to stay in Nursing. Different from others, I don't have a calling.
I know nursing doesn't pay well, I also know that nursing is not well recognised as a profession in my country.
Why then am I still pursuing Nursing?
Cos it is the only profession that brings me to the realities of life.
The only profession that not let my head fly too high in the sky.
The profession when people are in pain, you do not need to pretend, you can be you just to help.
Nursing is a profession which had taught me many life lessons through caring.
I want to learn more and be a much more beautiful person through nursing practice.
So from today, I will commit the next part of year 2008 and the whole of 2009 to practice LIFE.
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Beautifully Sad
Today, I met a teacher who was newly diagnosed with diabetes mellitus.
When I asked her how she felt on hearing the news, she replied "disappointed".
Disappointment, a mixture of sadness, hopelessness, and struggle.
Chopin's Prelude Op 28, No. 15, D flat Major "Raindrop Prelude"
Beautifully and sadly describes the struggle. Reference quoted that this song was composed in Majorca, on his doctor's advise to enjoy a warm dry climate, but he experienced some rains. The tranquility of the song peace depicts Chopin's contentment with his current situation. Yet the toil of his illness and I guess disappointment was brought out in anguish in the strong middle section of crashing chords. The piece ended with the same tranquility of raindrop effect though softly repeated notes at the background of a melody.
Hope my patient will be like this song, after the struggle, the peace regains.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preludes_(Chopin)
http://www.mfiles.co.uk/scores/prelude15.htm
http://www.lessontutor.com/bf_chopin.html
Saturday, 12 April 2008
Lantana
Names:
Common Lantana, Shrub Verbenas, Spanish Flag (Lantana Camara)
Interesting Facts:
Are known as weeds in Southern Africa and Australia.
Have flower clusters known as umbers.
Colour changes as flowers mature.
Used for butterfly gardening.
"Lantana" is a 2001 Australia Film.
Reference:
Saw these flowers outside IMH. It was drizzling slightly.
Though these flowers weren't very obvious at the first glance.
On a closer look, they are actually very beautiful little "weeds".
It's really interesting how these weeds had become flowers for gardening.
Friday, 4 April 2008
Ramblings... Mumblings
Really really tired this weekend ... Once again pretty disappointed with my own energy level. Really admired people with high energy battery level like Energizer. Now I can even hardly call myself a battery.
"If it's not difficult in the first place, it's not worth my effort."
Fluffy told me the above sentence. And the sentence had helped me gritted my teeth through hard times, stagnant times, sad times, many many different kind of times during my internship. I must really admit I hardly breeze through my internship on reflection. In fact, there were many days I'm lost, felt under-priviledged, felt sad and hopeless, loss of self confidence, wanting to give up, felt a sense of unfairness "Why does this have to happen to me?" and many times again asking myself "Why am I the first one?" "It's so lonely!!"
Really thank God for the angels that had helped me in one way or another reminded me that this path and growth is worth my effort. Dr Elaine, Dr Jen Pei, Dr Marvin, Sharon, Shaw, Sister Lee and of course my nursing D Doris and AD Loo See.
Of course my fluffy who had tolerated all my nonsense when I stomped my feet around the house, pouting and proclaiming "I don't want to be an APN anymore!"
Firmly and yet gently he reminded me,
"You don't quit because you cannot do it, thus you don't want to do it. You quit because you know you can do it well but yet you choose not to do it."
One thing, I'm very blesseth that God has placed me with a man who has pride in what he does. If that job has "your name" stamped on it, you make sure you are satisfied with the outcome.
So now, I'm at the cross road again. I had done it, I had become an APN. I'm getting more experience as I see more and more patients as I grow into this new nursing role. I can only get better... However, do I really want to do this if given that choice again?
"If it's not difficult in the first place, it's not worth my effort."
Fluffy told me the above sentence. And the sentence had helped me gritted my teeth through hard times, stagnant times, sad times, many many different kind of times during my internship. I must really admit I hardly breeze through my internship on reflection. In fact, there were many days I'm lost, felt under-priviledged, felt sad and hopeless, loss of self confidence, wanting to give up, felt a sense of unfairness "Why does this have to happen to me?" and many times again asking myself "Why am I the first one?" "It's so lonely!!"
Really thank God for the angels that had helped me in one way or another reminded me that this path and growth is worth my effort. Dr Elaine, Dr Jen Pei, Dr Marvin, Sharon, Shaw, Sister Lee and of course my nursing D Doris and AD Loo See.
Of course my fluffy who had tolerated all my nonsense when I stomped my feet around the house, pouting and proclaiming "I don't want to be an APN anymore!"
Firmly and yet gently he reminded me,
"You don't quit because you cannot do it, thus you don't want to do it. You quit because you know you can do it well but yet you choose not to do it."
One thing, I'm very blesseth that God has placed me with a man who has pride in what he does. If that job has "your name" stamped on it, you make sure you are satisfied with the outcome.
So now, I'm at the cross road again. I had done it, I had become an APN. I'm getting more experience as I see more and more patients as I grow into this new nursing role. I can only get better... However, do I really want to do this if given that choice again?
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
18 March 08 (Bedtime)
Found this video in Youtube. And I desperately want to share this.
Especially at this very day, like a roller coaster ride, my nursing senior has carcinoma of the breast with mestatasis to her spine.
This is really crazy ... Father. Just last year, it's my preceptor and this year my nursing senior ... crazy enough.. that at the end of the day, it's only to You when I turn to, things make some sense.
And I seem to miss Brenda pretty much today...
Especially at this very day, like a roller coaster ride, my nursing senior has carcinoma of the breast with mestatasis to her spine.
This is really crazy ... Father. Just last year, it's my preceptor and this year my nursing senior ... crazy enough.. that at the end of the day, it's only to You when I turn to, things make some sense.
And I seem to miss Brenda pretty much today...
Prayer Answered
My prayer is answered. Amen. Thank You Father. Well the APN interview wasn't that bad. I did not feel threatened.. so was pretty safe. It's not that I know the result or outcome of the interview. But I do need to say that the questions they asked were not difficult and very applicable to my clinical practice. Although I would have kicked myself in the butt for not tackling some of the questions too well.
Better list down these questions for future reference.
1. What are the issues you will think about in general for an elderly with diabetes?
2. Why is blood pressure control important in a diabetes patient?
3. What are the signs you will look for in DKA or HHNK?
4. How do you explain to the patient about HbA1C%?
5. Who else can you enlist help if a patient does not seem insightful about his or her clinical condition?
6. What are the chances of having TB in diabetes patients?
7. In what situations will a diabetes patient have hyperglycemia?
Comments on my case studies
1. Both diabetes case stduies why?
2. Did not mention about the complications of DM -- IHD, retinopathy, foot problems
3. Chest x-ray issue: whether it is appropriate to repeat another chest x-ray for Chronic Cough case study.
Funny... but all the palpitations has stopped. And I'm not worried about the outcome. I've tried my best. I guess if this still fails .... there is a Good Reason for that. Amen.
Monday, 17 March 2008
Unsettled Night
Has been a very very long time since I have butterflies in my stomach this badly and prolonged. When I married that day, I wasn't even so nervous. Nervous, jittery, anxious, unsettled, nerve-wrecking, ... Suddenly wish that my sympathetic pathway isn't working this well.
I had been feeling these palpitations and sweaty palms everytime I thought of tomorrow's APN interview. And suddenly Tomorrow is just a sleep away. Why am I so nervous?
Maybe this time is not like any other interviews, auditions or exams. It's not like those previous times when I stand on the stage is for myself. When I take the exams is for myself. When I took those challenges, they were for myself. If I ever had to let down, that will be only myself. This time... it does not seem that way.
Disappointment to others is a burden too much for my face-saving delicate soul.
Advanced Practice Nurse... what does it take to be one in Singapore? What's my role? Lord, what's the big plan? Uncertainties... fear of unknown, fear of failure, and I must say I don't like it very much at all. Yet.. it seemed I'm still called to do this.. well at least until this very moment.
Father, the last time when my heart palpitated vigorously, was that time when you rose me to the skies. Your skies. Father. I pray for faith. Faith.. that this time, in Your Name, once I again I will be safe. Safe and at peace. Safe in Your arms in this journey of uncertainties.
I had been feeling these palpitations and sweaty palms everytime I thought of tomorrow's APN interview. And suddenly Tomorrow is just a sleep away. Why am I so nervous?
Maybe this time is not like any other interviews, auditions or exams. It's not like those previous times when I stand on the stage is for myself. When I take the exams is for myself. When I took those challenges, they were for myself. If I ever had to let down, that will be only myself. This time... it does not seem that way.
Disappointment to others is a burden too much for my face-saving delicate soul.
Advanced Practice Nurse... what does it take to be one in Singapore? What's my role? Lord, what's the big plan? Uncertainties... fear of unknown, fear of failure, and I must say I don't like it very much at all. Yet.. it seemed I'm still called to do this.. well at least until this very moment.
Father, the last time when my heart palpitated vigorously, was that time when you rose me to the skies. Your skies. Father. I pray for faith. Faith.. that this time, in Your Name, once I again I will be safe. Safe and at peace. Safe in Your arms in this journey of uncertainties.
"I try to smile my tears away. I try to keep my cool...
... my heart wants to bleed and stop believing in me.
Nothing is for certain.
And that nothing comes for free...
You cradle me.
You keep me Flying. You keep me Smiling.
You keep me Safe in a crazy world.
You understand me. Embrace my Fragility.
You keep me safe in the crazy world.
And in Your arms, I find the strength to
believe in me again..."
(Corrinne May, "Safe in the Crazy World" lyrics.)
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Loyang Avenue Accident 11 March
I knew it yesterday that the accident was bad... real bad cos mother said the whole Loyang Avenue is jammed. Today when fluffy told me that 1 had died and it's instant death .. I really hope so after seeing the photo.
5 vehicles, a raining downpour.
The Straits Times Jouralist said it's "Spectacular".
I CANNOT believe she used that word "spectacular" and I CANNOT believe the editor approved it. "Spectacular" ....
A lorry on top of another car. More than 1 and 1/2 hours to get him out.
A chinese man in his 50s, is he going home?
Did he call his wife or his family to say he's going home soon?
Was his family waiting for his return?
Maybe they had a little chat about what to get for dinner .. maybe
How was his day? Bad... good?
He had been the responsible driver. He was at the right place.
Sudden. Sad. Soul-shakened. Stricken with grief.
He didn't see that coming, did he?
I bet he would had done many things if he knew today is going to be IT.
I bet he would ....
I bet his family members, friends and people who knew him or work him would had done many things if they knew today is going to be IT.
I bet they would ...
God works in mysterious ways to knock some wisdom into us ..
and I don't like it very much when it had to be this way....
but I get the message ... no regrets everyday... everyday.
5 vehicles, a raining downpour.
The Straits Times Jouralist said it's "Spectacular".
I CANNOT believe she used that word "spectacular" and I CANNOT believe the editor approved it. "Spectacular" ....
A lorry on top of another car. More than 1 and 1/2 hours to get him out.
A chinese man in his 50s, is he going home?
Did he call his wife or his family to say he's going home soon?
Was his family waiting for his return?
Maybe they had a little chat about what to get for dinner .. maybe
How was his day? Bad... good?
He had been the responsible driver. He was at the right place.
Sudden. Sad. Soul-shakened. Stricken with grief.
He didn't see that coming, did he?
I bet he would had done many things if he knew today is going to be IT.
I bet he would ....
I bet his family members, friends and people who knew him or work him would had done many things if they knew today is going to be IT.
I bet they would ...
God works in mysterious ways to knock some wisdom into us ..
and I don't like it very much when it had to be this way....
but I get the message ... no regrets everyday... everyday.
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